“Happy…”

Happiness is a state of mind, like sadness, and is temporary.

It’s an emotion, just as any other, that comes and goes like the tides of the ocean.

I’ve often wished of being a “happy” person, struggling with dark emotions in the past.

Ironically, I’ve found that the happiest moments of my life came after the darkest experiences.

I would often find any amount of bliss in darkness. Almost like an addiction to the depths of the deep.

Until one day, I wanted to figure out ways to create light without darkness.

Is this even possible? I had never remembered experiencing it this way.

So, I tried a social experiment… ( I do these often) (It’s my unconventional way of trying to understand the world around me in the best way I know how to interpret it)

“DO MORE THINGS YOU LOVE TO DO.”

Most people, I assume, would find this to be the obvious solution.  Well, luckily, we are not all the same people.  And that’s okay.

But then there came a new dilemma…  What are the things I love to do?

I’m a workaholic, I like sushi, I am constantly wanting to make my family proud (since I didn’t go the doctor route) I’m not in prison, I have a degree, but what the fuck makes me happy? What do I actually LIKE to do…

I mean, I love going out for drinks, I love hanging out with friends and family, I love watching bird videos, but none of these are like, productive happy things.  (at least not for what I was going for.)  I wanted to expand myself.  Build more culture, and refine myself deeper.

I love painting, reading, drawing, laughing, eating sushi, hiking, writing… and I’m really great at talking to strangers.

So, I decided it was time to explore! Time to implement these things I like to do.

I loved college.  I loved school.  So I looked for ways I could kinda do that, but like 1 millionth of the price, and I’m not on a deadline.

I signed up for local life drawing sessions, with live models, and with that, discovered a new art community near my new home.

Along with these new classes, & new art friends, I’ve also moved closer to my old stomping grounds, connecting with a few old friends (some artists, some not).

I recently attended a closing reception for my college advisor (who is also an artist) with a colleague (also an artist, who also attended the same college and I believe had the same advisor).

It was at a gallery in Los Angeles, which if you know me, you know my heart is soft for the city, and we were able to meet one of the gallery owners and another featured artist.

Now, I have this feeling that some artists (myself) are walking contradictions… Narcissistic (considering you are NOT allowed to critique our masterpieces) Masochists (because we are our own worst enemies when it comes to self criticism.. and almost enjoy the pain of the knowing we’ll never be enough).

As a narcissistic masochist, (artist) I learned that I have a great talent of talking to just about anyone, about ANYTHING!

I also have a very, enthusiastic confidence about myself… And this is where I get in my laughs.

Side Note Story Time:

At my muggle job, we have trainings to refine our skills.  And without missing a beat, (while we were supposed to be referring to the modules we were suppose to study) I confidently said … that my motivation for XYZ was because I wanted to be ” A MOM”.  The instructor was polite, and said something along the lines of  “that’s great motivation for personal goals, but in reference to the module…”

… Embarrassing.

Last night, I confidently showed the gallery owner my Instagram… and it only contained my merch on RedBubble.com .. Had little to no examples, nor FINISHED examples,  of my current work, except videos I made live, and cute little reels I designed for marketing.

I then proceeded to show my website (which should have been first) and I could feel time slowing down in my head, in slow motion, with a deep voice, telling myself… You are NOT PREPARRRREEEDDDD.

I thought stuffing my “to-go” emergency kit with business cards, and actually HAVING a website, was going to be enough… No.

Now, did anyone tell me this was not enough… No. This is all in my head. But I wanted to share my experiences exploring as an artist.  Share my emotions and thoughts as I dive deeper into the things that make me happy.

I enjoy embarrassing myself and it makes me happy to know that after all the hard work I’ve done, I have SO MUCH MORE TO DO!

I know this truly sounds like sarcasm, but it really does make me happy to know I’m not as good as I thought.

All laughs aside, I feel like (at the minimum) level 1 and 2 are complete. And although I have a lot more exploring to do in both my artwork and in life, I am really grateful that I’ve gotten to this point!

Where these levels come from.. I have no clue.. but the mathematical hierarchy part of my brain is satisfied.

If you have found any of this useful as an upcoming artist, please comment or go find me on social media and tell me what your favorite bird is.

I love cardinals, owls, and cockatoos.

Stay Tuned,

-Lund3on